Meet the Edelrid Boa Duotec Rope

Moderator: “This is called speed dating because you two only have 5 minutes to get to know each other and see if you are match. The session starts and stops when the bell rings. Rock Climber, meet Edelrid Boa DuoTec. Boa, this is Rock Climber. The session starts now. You guys have fun.”


Climber: “Hey.”

Boa: “Hey? This is your opener? Suave. Can we get on with this?”

Climber: “So, I really just need a rope to hold me when I fall. Can you do that for me?”

Boa: “What, is this the 1920s? Of course I’ll hold you, you nitwit. By the looks of you, I’ll be catching you a lot!”

Climber: “Hey now, be nice. I’m just making sure.”

Boa: “Okay, okay, settle down. All modern climbing ropes are dynamic and very well-built and with proper care and a modicum of awareness about edges and such, any of us will hold a multitude of lobs from even a fine-figure-of-a-man like you (chubby).”

Climber: “What was that last bit?”

Boa: “Nothing.”

Climber: “Okay. It looks like you’ve been working out, what are you benching these days?”

Boa: “More than you. I’m 9.8 millimeters thick, and in the modern age, sub 10 mil are as strong and tough as 11s were a few years ago. There’s no reason to spend your money on anything bigger than a 9.8 these days. Its just weight you don’t need to carry while climbing and hiking.”

Climber: “But couldn’t I easily get a breezy 9.2 to help me send my proj?”

Boa: “Let’s be honest. The last project you sent was a rack of Baby Back ribs at Chilly’s. A 9.8 is a great all around rope that will usually last a lot longer than one of those little 9.2 fillies. You want something with more meat, just like your midsection.”

Climber: “My last rope was a 70 meter. You’re just 60 meters.”

Boa: “Well, Bub. Ask yourself how many times you really needed that extra 10 meters of rope? I mean, sport routes in the US are rarely over 30 meters. Most trad routes were put up with 50 meter ropes, and if you run 70 meters between you and your partner, unless you are Josh Wharton and running that shiz out, rope drag is going to be hell. So most of the time, with a 70, you’re just carrying and coiling a whole bunch of extra rope. 60 meters is just what you need to get up and down 95% of routes out there.

Besides, if you are going to get a 70, why not an 80? Or 100 meters? Hell, you could just get a freakin’ spool of stat like some sort of Frenchie in the Verdon and run it right out the back of your crappy Tacoma…”

Climber: “Settle down! I see your point.”

Boa: “All you probably see is a big piece of spaghetti. Are we done yet? When is that bell going to ring? I think that cute sport-climber chick over there is on deck. NEXT!”

Climber: “You seem pretty full of yourself, what’s so special about you?”

Boa: “Well, Captain Donut, look closely. I’m bi-pattern. Sexy, eh? Yeah, my pattern changes at my half way point right…here. That’s DuoTec, sucka. Feel it…Yeah, no raised threads like a lot of bi-pattern ropes. That’s just smooth sheath right there…okay, that’s enough with the tentacles, Octopussy.”

Climber: “Hmmm, show me more!”

Boa: “Whoa, step back there, creeper! I’m not yours yet. With a bi-pattern rope, when you’re setting up a rap or gauging the length of a pitch, halfway is clearly marked. You look like the type who goes down more than up, so this little birth mark might come in handy, don’t ya think?”

Climber: “Failure is a part of the journey…”

Boa: “Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Sir Bails-a-lot. Look, times almost up, do you have anything else?”

Climber: “Uhm, how much is this going to cost me?”

Boa: “Oh, so this is that kind of rodeo. I see. Well, here’s the thing, most bi-pattern ropes are well over $200. You can take me home for $189.95 retail. Heck, most single pattern ropes cost more than I do. But what’s money to a high-roller like you. Right?”

Climber: “Well, gas money is tight. You seem like a pretty good deal. So you’re a 9.8, 60 meter?”

Boa: “Check!”

Climber: “Supple and strong.”

Boa: “Yes, sir.”

Climber: “And bi-pattern, and you only cost $189.95?”

Boa: “That’s what I said, numbnuts.”

Climber: “Perfect. And worse comes to worse, I do need some new rugs.”

Boa: “Wait, what?”


For more information on the Edelrid Boa Duotec rope, visit their website.

When he isn’t fantasizing about speed dating, Chris Kalous is putting out high quality climbing podcasts over at the Enormocast.

Disclaimer: Wait! Do you really need to buy more new stuff? If so, this product is worth a look. In the spirit of full disclosure, this product was provided to for the purpose of reviewing. Don’t worry, though, our integrity can’t be bought!

One Response to Meet the Edelrid Boa Duotec Rope

  1. Hilarious while being informative, good job!

    Nicola January 16, 2013 at 11:57 am
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