What would America do, faced with restrictions on something she wanted? She would send in the Blacks Ops teams, and subvert the opposition from the inside. Set up a puppet government if needed. Anything to get what she wants.

As climbers we could apply this same model to our access issues, and I believe the time has come for the Access Fund’s Black Ops division, the Climber Intelligence Agency. A secret branch with training camps throughout the country, with the end goal of getting agents inside every land management agency. Aspiring operatives would learn how to fit in at the various government positions, with their lack of unifying policy and endless use of acronyms.

Imagine what it would be like for those of us who deal with access issues. No more sitting through nail biting meetings with land managers, the fate of your newest climbing area left to the whim of an underpaid, overworked employee who may or may not have had his morning coffee yet. Imagine instead a scenario where you glumly sit across the aisle, nodding and smiling at the unsuspecting bureaucrat, knowing his or her boss is really an undercover Access Fund agent, and there is no way the rumored cliff restrictions will ever come to fruition.

Those pesky bird closures that keep us off some of our favorite crags for half the year? Ancient history. We’d get some scientist/biologists on the inside to prove a theory showing that human company is healthy for the birds, as it keeps their instincts sharper and therefore makes them more likely to succeed in the big bad animal kingdom.

In areas where new bolts aren’t allowed, but old ones can be replaced, we could secure permission to replace anchors on climbs that didn’t even exist, allowing new routes to go up in places where they currently are restricted. It would be a new golden age of climbing development, and given the crowded state of many cliffs, we are in dire need of some new spots!

Just thinking about it makes me want to charge my Bosch and buy a stack of bolts and hangers. Access issues would be a quaint thing of the past with the advent of the Climber Intelligence Agency.

As unlikely as this scenario is, in all seriousness, it really would be nice to have some pro climber folks on the inside. I can think of several access issues that have come up not because climbing was in conflict with some established law or regulation, but because an overzealous bureaucrat didn’t get it and thought it shouldn’t be allowed. In fact, I just learned of a BLM office here in western Colorado that manages a somewhat popular area that “doesn’t want climbers on the cliffs”, and this from a very reliable source.

So maybe we do need an Access Fund Black Ops division after all. It’s time to take this fight undercover!

1. Replace old bolts with a power drill. It’s great the ASCA provides the hardware, but it’s such a pain hand drilling those new bolts. Why not take the day to lug a power drill up to your favorite old climbs that need fixing and get the job done right?

2. Put up new routes in Red Rocks. Along those lines, this would be a great time to put up some new routes in Red Rocks, should be pretty quiet in the canyons. Plus you can even bring the Bosch!

3. Climb an arch. You know you’ve always wanted to, but that showboat Potter beat you to it. Quick, while no one is watching!

4. Go on a trundle fest. Let’s face it, there are some dangerous loose rocks out there, let’s take this opportunity to clean up some of our cliffs. The rocker block on Moonlight comes to mind, time to cut the chain and send that baby on its way to the ocean!

5. Enjoy the quietest day at the cliff…ever. Most folks probably wont make the effort to hike/bike in to the cliffs, but if you do, you’ll likely be rewarded with the kind of solitude that hasn’t been experienced since before the invention of the camming device.

Disclaimer: We in no way endorse any of the activities mentioned above, if you get arrested, you can blame Jason Huston.

MountainProject.com - I’m mostly here for the great info, photos and discussions, but I’m not afraid to get involved in a good old flame war every now and then.

RockClimbing.com – I’m mostly here to make fun of nOObs, since I’ve been climbing for a SOLID 5 months now. Wait, there’s other info on this site? STFU!

SuperTopo.com – California is so rad, I love California, Yosemite, Harding, Aid climbing, blah, blah, blah, I love California, blah, blah, blah.

NEIce.com – I live for the winter, and throw a party when the days start getting shorter.

CascadeClimbers.com – Hey, the Northwest isn’t just about mountaineering, we have rocks too (big ones)!

8a.nu – My ego is so frail I need to check my stats every 15 minutes to see how I compare to my friends to know which ones will love and respect me today.

Ropes

Like most climbing gear, these have gotten progressively smaller and lighter, but you could argue that 8.9 is pretty close to the end of the line, no pun intended. Smaller than that and they get pretty hard to handle, at least for cragging type situations. The future here seems to be in making them more durable, like the Beal Unicore technology, and yes lighter. Perhaps the ultimate rope would be something so light you barely know it’s there, with zero rope drag and a super soft catch, plus the burliness to stand up to some serious abuse.

Cams

Not much has really changed since these things came out. Sure they got smaller, and more flexible, but the principle is the same. The Link Cams were probably the last “major” innovation, but where can it go from here? I’ve often thought it would be nice to have something that could work well in flaring placements, and Totem cams seem to be taking this one on, but it’s probably a super small market. The ideal for a cam seems to be something with as wide a range as possible, that doesn’t weigh much, and can be used in any placement imaginable.

Shoes

I’m always amazed at the number of climbing shoes out there, but I guess when you think about it, there are a lot of different shaped feet. For my money I could wear Muira’s the rest of my life and I’d be OK, but it is fun to check out new styles and shapes. The quest for stickier rubber will continue, and the trend of specialization, of having a shoe that is designed for a very specific task, will likely be refined. In the meantime I’m still waiting for the ultimate Indian Creek shoe, although the TC Pro and Grandstone come close. I want my toes to lie flat, but not be loose, encased in cushiony shoes with durable rubber on the bottom and top, and a nice chiseled toe for those small cracks.

Wish List

So while we are dreaming of new gear, how about a couple things that aren’t likely until about the same time we have spaceships like those in Star Trek? Some kind of protection that could protect blank faces and then be taken with you when you leave. Maybe it phases into the stone and then can be rephased back out. How about glasses you could wear with programmable beta, so they would replay the moves for you as you climb, and you can go over the route while sitting on your couch at home. And how cool would a pair of shoes be that contains a micro chip and modifiable rubber, so you set the setting for the type of climbing you will do and the shoe molds itself into the best fit around your foot and the best shape for the rock type at hand? Now that’s sounds nice…

So while I love the trend of things getting lighter, I wonder if we are at a standstill of sorts until some new technology comes along that changes the game yet again. What do you think?

The Warrior’s Way

Mantra: I’m aware that training is difficult, but I will only observe and not act on that impulse. I will stay with my intention to train, even though it puts me in a stressful situation and my mind naturally seeks comfort. The end result of this will be learning that I can endure training.

Bottom Line: I am as calm as a Japanese rock garden.

The Self Coached Climber

Mantra: I already have enough strength to climb my project, but my horrible technique is holding me back. I have devoted 12 hours/day to training in order to address these deficiencies in my technique and movement. I will spend 3 hours warming up, 6 hours sending hard and 3 hours cooling down. I will write everything down and keep track of my progress with meticulous spreadsheets.

Bottom Line: I will have no life outside climbing, but I will climb better!

Training For Climbing

Mantra: I will schedule my training program into several cycles designed to peak at key times throughout the year. I will experience higher highs, as well as lower lows. I will purchase a weight vest and use that to make myself stronger.

Bottom Line: I am a complete control freak. I will allow no other distractions for 12 weeks so that I can stick to an exact training regimen and my fitness will peak for one week of bliss in the Spring, Summer and Fall. The rest will be training hell.

9 Out of 10 Climbers Make the Same Mistake

Mantra: The most efficient way to get strong for climbing is bouldering, campus boards hurt almost everyone, and it’s never too late to get a lot better at climbing.

Bottom Line: Every one sucks at climbing in their own special way, but if I climb more, I’ll suck less. And I might need a PhD in climbing to take in all the info in this book.

Maximum Climbing

OK, I actually haven’t read this one, but with a name like that I imagine it would be somewhere along the lines of:

Enough of this sissy stuff, let’s get some shit done!

Disclaimer: All of these books are actually quite good and we recommend checking them out along with a few others:

Performance Rock Climbing – One of the original and best books on the topic.

Climbing: Training for Peak Performance - an excellent resource for alpinists, climbers with big peak goals, all-around outdoor athletes, and people recovering from major injury or surgery.

For those who arent aware, there’s been an entertaining thread over on MountainProject.com, where a video was posted of a guy who was stealing draws off routes at Smith Rock. They caught him in the act and the ensuing confrontation is pretty comedic. Of course, from there the forum degenerates into debates about fixed draws and pinkpoint vs redpoint, blah blah blah. Here is our esteemed contributor Chris Kalous’ take on the whole matter:

First of all, why haven’t all the aid climbers disappeared into the tar pits by now like dinosaurs. This is what happens when you let them just roam free.

Second, this sounds like a bunch of kids trying to hammer out the rules to kick the can or something. Only children want ethics to be black and white, no negotiation, what works here and now will work everywhere and always. The only real rule is don’t be an asshole. As such I offer up the following guidelines:

This guy stealing draws: asshole.

Aiding up any free route that is too hard for you just to take gear: asshole, no, I take that back, just sad and lonely

Taking a skanky draw that is a few bolts up and obviously a bail-off: not an asshole.

Pulling bolts, hangers, or chains off a route: asshole

Pulling bolts and hangers off a piece of shite that the community has decided is a waste of space and an eye-sore: not an asshole

Leaving draws up on yer project (regardless of the grade) at a sport area: not an asshole

Leaving unsightly pre-placed gear or ropes up at a known trad area: asshole

Leaving pre-placed gear up on a your new route that is in the middle of nowhere while you work it: not an asshole

Fixed mini-traxion ropes left on classic or popular routes: asshole

Mini-traxion ropes left out of clear site on the Amazing Obscuro Dome: well, actually, you are still probably an asshole and need to find some friends.

Leaving up fixed ropes for your personal photograper/videographer: professional asshole

Leaving behind fixed ropes in an emergency or accident: not an asshole (but you oughta try and go get them)

Pulling obviously abandoned and rotten and dangerous draws (because you live there and have talked with anyone who would know and have been looking at them for 5 years) off a route: not an asshole

Threading a fixed anchor that has biners so you can take them or pulling all but one piece out of a fixed anchor: asshole (and idiot)

Finding half somebody’s rack strung out on a pitch after a rain storm and NOT making an effort to post a note or talk to the local shop, etc.: asshole

Keeping said rack after a reasonable and satisfying attempt by you to find the defendant: not an asshole

Lying to the face of said party about having gear or refusing to return it: greedy asshole in need of a beating

Pulling an unknown bail anchor: not an asshole

Pulling an unknown piece that somebody stuck: not an asshole

Pulling a piece that a party above you left and NOT offering it back at the next common belay or back in camp: asshole

Pulling a piece that belongs to somebody you know (even barely, even if you don’t like him/her) and not offering it back at your convenience: asshole (this one will get a “yeah, but…”, but, sorry, you are an asshole)

Doing anything that in yer gut makes you feel like a dick: well?

If in your next breathe you have to start some convoluted defense of your actions: hmmm?

But, sometimes doing what you want may require you to be an asshole. New routing tactics, for example, often infringe on others in many ways. Accept it, minimize it, and if somebody confronts you don’t launch into a tirade about how rad you are and what a gumby he is. Instead, apologize, explain why its necessary, and how you will do this or that to make it right. A decent person sprouts from the ashes of an asshole.

Just do the right thing. You don’t need an ethics manual rolled up in your back pocket to check. We have all crossed the asshole line, and gleefully pulled so and so’s stuck gear while mumbling “gumby” under our breathe, but was that junky cam worth our fleeting ego trip? What makes you feel better is “Hey, slim, I managed to get yer cam out of Sicky-GnarGnar up on the Gargantua, want it back?” He or she might say no anyway.

And if fixed draws bum you out, so should bolts, and so don’t go sport climbing (you are also gonna need a time machine). Luckily for you, Eldo awaits… just try to ignore all the tat hanging off the fixed pins and slung horns and trees…

Finally, the golden circle, be cool to those you meet out there, they just might be pulling traction on yer broken femur a few minutes later while you wail like, well, an asshole.

You might remember Chris from such  films as the Aid Climbing Rant, and How to Raise Your Children to Be Free Climbers. He’s got a top secret project in the works that will soon be bringing joy and entertainment to climbers all over the world, stay tuned.

Dumb Things Other Climbers Have Said – This one will make you laugh, cry and shake your head.

A Discussion of Plaques in the Desert – Artwork or Trash?

Black Canyon Stories – Random thoughts and tales from Colorado’s baddest climbing area.

Tick Marks on Cracks – Get’s good around page 2.

What Qualifies as a Desert Tower – Is the Rectory a tower? What about Owl rock?

Booty Found While Climbing – From bra’s to action figures and everything in between.

Meeting Famous Climbers – Who, What & Where?

Found 100 Draws – One of the better trolls out there.

The deadline for voting is September 10th, and the winners will be announced on Sept 16th at the Reel Rock premier in Boulder. Winners get a prize package from the Reel Rock sponsors and their films will screen in over 100 locations worldwide, so it’s a pretty big deal for those that are competing.

Check it out!

You get an early start and crush the approach hike. Things are looking good, but then you hear it: “Come on, you got it!” Nothing wrong with some encouragement, but when its the party ahead of you and they are only 10 feet off the ground on a 3 pitch route, this is cause for concern. When it takes them 2.5 hours to get all 3 to the top of the first pitch, you might entertain yourself with the following activities:

Go look around the corner at the other popular moderate route, only to find it has 2 parties in line. (on a Tuesday)

Wish you had more #3 Camalots so you could climb the North Face.

Wish you had a guidebook so you knew what gear you’d need for Fine Jade.

Drop subtle hints about how you have to be back to work by 2, hoping they let you pass. But they don’t.

Make new friends with the other party that’s also waiting. You can learn a lot about someone in 2.5 hours.

Create rock art, including one you name Wilson and make up stories about.

Gaze out over the incredible landscape spread before you.

Ultimately climb the first pitch and rap off, realizing you will not be back to camp before dark if you wait behind this party. Better get up earlier next time.

But let’s face it. Not all is unicorns, rainbows, and lolly pops. We can hold hands around the campfire and sing Kumbaya all we want, but there is a darker side of climbing. Because climbing is such a huge part of our lives, it’s easy to get very emotional about it. It’s hard to distance ourselves from our climbing actions (because our climbing actions define us, right?) and look at things objectively.

Case in point: I may or may not have recently received the following message from a heretofore unknown source. It was etched into a large slab of sandstone and bolted to my front door (with a rusty quarter-incher) in the middle of the night. I include it here in its entirety for historical purposes:

—————–

To whom it may concern:

You better watch yourself, brah. You have NO IDEA who you are dealing with. I have powers you can’t even begin to comprehend. My buddies and I have heard what you’ve been saying about our routes, and we will MESS YOU UP. You keep it up and we’re gonna deck your face and go all runout on your ass. You’ve been warned.

Any comment you make about my ethics, my style, or any aspect of my climbing is a direct attack not only on me as a human being, but also my working class saint of a mother and our freedom-seeking ancestors. You are un-American. If you don’t like my style, you hate everything sacred and holy about our blessed land, and may you burn in the hottest, flattest corners of hell for it. I can do whatever I want here. Terrorist.

If you don’t like my style so much, you climb somewhere else. Or you can put up your own routes. Actually wait, no, seriously, just go climb somewhere else. You see MY crag on Mountain Project, you climb MY four star routes, and all of a sudden you think you can say whatever you think about my lines? Chuh. You got a lot to learn, brah. Stay offa mah land!

I established those routes ground up, with a piece of sun-dried, smoke-cured cactus for a drill and my own leathery hands for a hammer. I’m too busy climbing all the wickedest lines I can to be bothered with thinking about pubescent punters like you. I mean, my balls are so big I have to haul them up with a 3 to 1 pulley system. We’re talking cojones mas grandes here. You don’t like my bolts? I friggin’ hand forged those bolts. Keep your thoughts to yourself. No one’s forcing you to climb my routes.

Your opinion is not wanted or valid here. You are a hypocrite, a chossmonger, a bolt profiteer, and you’re probably in league with those shady Eastern European climbing companies. Communist. We don’t want you or your titanium gear here. You don’t know what you’re talking about, your routes suck, and your mother wears XXL-sized swami belts. I would know.

Keep it real, brah. It’s all about the climbing.

XX

Tristan Higbee hopes to complete a 20 pitch sport route in Rock Canyon in the Wasatch in Utah this year. Also be sure to check out his excellent site, Daily Climbing Tips.