Massive Bolt Removal Reported Across the Country

Climbers across the United States woke up today to a nightmare situation: it appears that every bolt ever placed has disappeared! Reports are streaming in from sport and trad areas alike, the Red, Eldo, City of Rocks, the Gunks, and the news is all the same: no more bolts! There are already many theories circulating as to the nature of this situation, but the following are the most popular:

Coordinated Removal Effort
Some believe the Forest Service and BLM, in cooperation with black ops divisions of the CIA & NSA, launched a massive bolt removal strike. Fed up with climbers and their increasingly abrasive attitude of “it’s public land and I can do what I want”, they may have taken on this massive campaign to tip the scales back in their favor. The scope of such an operation is staggering, but then again there are those who think 9/11 was a conspiracy that hundreds of people knew about and kept secret too.

Another rumor is that infamous bolt chopper Ken Nichols has been creating and training an army of bolt choppers at secret camps throughout the country. These bolt-hadists, as they call themselves, are taught from a very young age that bolts are the source of all evil in the world and should be removed with no regard for the consequences of their actions. Apparently if they die while removing bolts, they are sent to a version of heaven where they each get 40 perfect trad first ascents. However, as of yet no one from this group has stepped forward to claim responsibility

The apocalyptic crowd is pointing to end times prophecy from Nostraboltus, which states that in the end all will be restored to it’s original form. As wacky as it sounds, it would explain how every bolt at every crag was removed in the period of one night. The size of the army needed to pull this off would be incredible, unless it be of the supernatural variety.

Regardless of what you believe, the reality is the same: the American climbing scene has been sent back to the stone age, and maybe even further than that. No one is exempt, as many traditional routes relied on bolts for anchors, and this effectively shuts down climbing on American soil. A mass exodus to Europe is expected, where there have been no reports of this phenomenon on the predominantly bolted cliffs there.

There is a silver lining, however, as the Access Fund is expected to launch a massive hiring campaign in order to deal with situation, giving jobs to unemployed climbers across the country. Hey wait, maybe it was the unemployed climbers who did it…

2 Responses to Massive Bolt Removal Reported Across the Country

  1. April Fools! Hahaha

    wyclimber April 1, 2010 at 1:44 pm
  2. I am a bit saddened, as I was beginning to come to terms with the shining little buggers and even found myself using them on occasion. Thankfully though this should put an end to the seemingly endless viral infection of “gym rats” that had taken over our crags with their machine guns and voracious appetite for the next route to call their own (typically one foot to the right of the last one). Perhaps now we’ll start developing a nation of climbers we can truly believe in to SAVE THE WORLD and boldness will once again prevail! (this is where those in agreement throw their fist in the air:) On a side note, do you think the Bolt Hadists have made it to Coal Creek yet?

    Ryan April 1, 2010 at 4:10 pm
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